Let kids be kids…it’s not a competition! (New category: Children’s activities)

By Linda Jones

THIS category will include news and reviews of fun things for kids to do. And that means the focus will be firmly on fun not why it's 'good' for them!

Reading this thoughtful post by Tara at Sticky Fingers got me thinking too…

WHAT is it with this clamour for constant "stimulation" for our children through so many "improving" activities?

Have we ever been under more pressure to see them doing something, like every night of the week? How many children do we all know who are signed up for French, piano, trampolining, ballet, gym, disco, tap and finding a cure for the common cold before they're out of nappies?

My daughters now both go to Guides. Melissa also goes to pottery lessons on a Saturday morning and has disco dancing on a Tuesday, while Emily joins her, also on a Tuesday, (how did that happen?) for keyboard lessons. It sounds a lot to me, when I list it like that, but overall (and especially because pottery is really laid back and may not be on from week to week) I hope that' it's still a happy balance.

They love it, that's the main thing. My parents couldn't afford anything like that so I suppose that also influences our decision that they be allowed to go – rather that than sit and watch telly, which if I'm honest, I spent much of my childhood doing.

Yet I remain perturbed by parents who push their children to do more and more.

At least once a week when I dropped two five-year-olds off at school, Billie's mum was there; sitting on the classroom doorstep, book in hand, her daughter reading from it in hushed tones. But this wasn't just any book you understand.

At that time, it was a Level Three Ginn Reader – and I'm reliably informed this was pretty good going for one so tender in years as Billie.

Once at a children's tea party, Billie's mum collared me. "Did you know," she hissed, "there is a free reader in Billie's class?"She almost spat the words. She couldn't contain her jealousy for a little girl who had the audacity to be more advanced in her reading than her daughter.

I'd never actually heard the expression 'free reader' before but took it to mean this extremely bright four-year-old could actually properly try and read anything put in front of her. How marvellous for her and her parents, how proud they must be.

Billie's mum had my card marked as a fellow 'competitive mum', someone whose main function in life is to push their daughters forward academically – even when they have yet to learn to tie their own shoelaces.But I was aghast at her behaviour."You daft idiot," I wanted to yell. "Don't you know it's not a competition?"

But of course that is not what I said. Instead I heard myself tell her that actually one of my daughters was on exactly the same book as Billie, while my other daughter was catching up fast.In fact the teacher had praised my youngest daughter (who is just 10 minutes junior to her sister!) for her 'super' discussion skills earlier that very week.

For some reason, I felt compelled to also reveal this particular nugget of praise to Billie's mum. Allowing myself to boast in this way was a moment of sheer unadulterated horror. It was the first and last time I was going to attempt to keep up with the likes of Billie's mum -and its memory will never fade.

For, not only did I feel a complete fraud by allowing myself to be swept up in her petty superiority complex, I also left myself wide open for a lengthy and detailed description of what an articulate, mathematically competent and all round wonderful human being Billie's older sister was. This woman is one of a long line of boastful and pushy mothers I'd met in my five years as a parent.

There's Alison who gave me a birthday card when her son was not yet two, claiming he had written it – "Sorry about his writing," she said. I looked closer – she had obviously done it with her own (very shaky) left hand.Then there's Martine whose daughter Jayde (sic) was attending dancing, gymnastics, and swimming lessons before she was out of nappies.

Jayde was enrolled into a private school, chosen because of its sporting prowess, at the age of three, and has now progressed to ballet dancing and gym on a Saturday, swimming after school on a Monday, trampolining on a Tuesday and French club on a Wednesday.

She has also 'tried out' tap dancing, horse riding, drama classes, skiing and athletics. I am not exaggerating and the child is not yet six.

I gave up listening when Martine insisted, before my girls had set foot in a classroom, on showing me the files and files of her 'homework' she had kept. (It was in fact little more than a collection of beautiful and colourful childish pictures you see pinned on any family fridge.)

Once at the swimming baths when Jayde was just turned two, Martine insisted she no longer needed arm bands. Five minutes later the little girl was spewing strawberry yoghurt from swallowing too much water after 'going under' so much.

But Martine is still at it. At a mutual friend's house recently, she opened Jayde's 'book bag' in front of at least four other deeply embarrassed mums, to inspect what words she had been given to learn that week, so she could bemoan the teachers for giving her some she already knew.Jayde at this point in time was sat in a huff in the kitchen while her contemporaries whooped and laughed in a bedroom, playing with a Baby Born dolly who could do a 'real wee.'I could have wept for the poor little mite.

So this is a heartfelt plea to all those mums and dads out there with their own little Billies and Jaydes. Stop it now! It's not big and it's not clever! Can't you see what we are all doing to our children by putting so much pressure on them at such an early age?

Don't you want their memories to be filled with laughter, fun and friendship rather than a succession of 'improving' classes?

I am lucky enough to know lots of happy people – we all are. Do you ever wonder where their happiness comes from? It sure as hell isn't from a childhood filled with competition.

If you ever think of your children and ask: 'what do I want for them?' Surely, it's not academic success at the expense of fun.Isn't the answer always, 'I want my children to be happy?"And if that is the case, isn't the solution simple? Let them be.

* Are you a competitive parent or dread turning into one? How many activities do your children do, and why? Please let us know what you think in the comments…

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http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/ Tara@Sticky Fingers

I couldn’t agree with you more Linda.
Those examples you give are just awful, and sometimes I think these parents don’t actually realise what they are doing and that everyone else is rolling their eyes at their behaviour.
My son went through a term doing something every night after school. Cricket, football, swimming, yoga (I know!) and then rugby on a Saturday.
But these were all things he asked if he could do and I was happy to let him try them all out.
In the end it was too much and he reached overload.
Now he’s just sticking with football and swimming in the week and his rugby at the weekend with his dad.
He has found his own happy medium and that’s just fine by me.
He also quite advanced with his reading, but that is through no pushing on our part. It’s because we have always read to him since he was a baby and he has naturally developed a love of books.
There are ways and means of ‘pushing’ your children. If it’s fun and they enjoy it then they will want to do those things anyway – and still get to play upstairs with the cool stuff in their friend’s bedroom!
http://www.havealovelytime.com Linda

Hello, thank you.
I also feel guilty about the money aspect, about “spoiling” them with such activities – but this is because I grew up in an eggbox at the side of a motorway.
http://www.littlemummy.com Littlemummy

Hi Linda,
As you know Erin’s only three, up to now she has had only playgroup three mornings a week but I’ve decided to listen to her loud requests about dancing. I’m taking her to one class of highland dancing and one of ballet, then *she* will choose which she likes best (I know which I’d choose for her, but it’s not up to me!), her enjoyment is the most important thing.
http://www.havealovelytime.com Linda

Hiya Emily did ballet and quit saying “it wasn’t her dream,” she says she wants to be an MP now so she can have two houses. Hope Erin loves her dancing. x
http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/ Tara@Sticky fingers

“she says she wants to be an MP now so she can have two houses” – ha ha ha ha ha
http://cafebebe4u.blogspot.com/ Karen Joyce via Britishmummybloggers.ning.com

I think we all are a bit competitive but I’d like to think it’s healthy competitive. I will chime in about what my Little Miss can do when another mummy says that their child does the same but my group of good mummy friends are not nasty competitive. We have girls that are all within 3 weeks of each other so it’s more of a checks and balances sort of thing with them. I do however, get right proper nasty about an uber-competitive Mummy at our Sure Start Children’s Centre. She’s young and obviously desperate for her child to do everything way before she should. My Little Miss was sitting up, unaided by about 4 months and when she saw this, she chastised her 5 month old for not being able to do the same. Then, my early walker was toddling around in a class that she and her daughter were in and she approached me to find out when Little Miss had started walking and wasn’t that early and wasn’t she not even 1 yet??? I hate to say it but I was rather gleeful! We all hate this mummy!
As far as how many activities my child does- she’s 1 and we have done, the two of us together, Baby Massage, Baby Yoga, a Music Class and a Walking Group (mainly for Mummy). I’d like her to do Tumble Tots but it’s a bit out of our budget right now. I am well aware of mummies who over-program so I refuse to do the same with my Little Miss.
http://gritsday.blogspot.com/ Grits via Britishmummybloggers.ning.com

really want to free yourself from the competition? dump school
http://englishmum.com Englishmum

Great post and I totally agree. I know a couple of youngsters in one family (a boy and girl) that do – wait for it – cross country running/golf lessons/riding lessons/lacrosse/guitar lessons/ballet and the lad also attends school early (7.30am) for rugby training! Trying to get a play date must be like trying to get an audience with the pope..
One thing I love about Ireland is the slow pace of life – okay, so there aren’t the multitude of lessons (it’s rugby or Gaelic football, I’m afraid, although I’ve found a local musician who gives my two guitar lessons), but the kids are out on their bikes having fun in the evening and just being themselves – getting dirty and making themselves knackered by bedtime!
You’re right, it’s all about balance – something a few parents would do well to remember!
http://www.allgrownup06.blogspot.com/ KTP via Britishmummybloggers.ning.com

My 18 month old son was born 3 weeks after my cousin’s baby, who walked early (9m), talked early, is huge in comparison, and just advanced. My son has been walking a month, and doesn’t even say da-da yet, but uses gestures to communicate and understands more than we give him credit for. Thes two toddlers are so different it’ not even worth comparing,but still,my family constantly viciously compares them. Oooh, isn’t he behind? They say. No, he’s happy. It’s H who is ahead. With his pushy mother behind him, insisting on potty training…..argh!
http://havealovelytime.com Linda

@Karen @KTP – your comments have reminded me of when my daughters were babies and the fact that as twins, they developed at different rates – that’s what first got me thinking about this – we were very laid back – one walked the day before her 1st birthday, one walked four months later – it really used to annoy me when they were constantly compared by other people – they were developing at different rates – what mattered was they were content and healthy, it wasn’t a race.
Same with the academic thing – it’s not like they have a job interview next week so why the pressure from other mums to know how their children ‘measure up/
So-called ‘emotional intelligence’ is what I suppose I “rate” most in children and would far rather the parents who want their children to race ahead in reading etc would concentrate on how to help them make friends, care for people and so on. That’s not too much to ask is it?
Becky – I’m coming to live with you and find a chopper to ride.
Grits – we love their school, it’s a caring environment with a fabulous (but sadly temporary) headmaster, we are lucky.
http://www.singleparentdad.blogspot.com SingleParentDad

“I want my children to be happy” Joner, nail-on-its-top again.
I’ve had a few run ins with folks, some from my family actually, with my current attitude to school. I will be pulling if anything. I want Max to enjoy school, and not be under any pressure from me to achieve anything academically, or indeed, in the extra curriculum. My attitude is that if I listen to him, and help when it’s required, perhaps leaving things a little short, thus creating a small yearning to learn more, he will go to school in the morning with anticipation rather than trepidation.
Plus, as per my last blog post, he can drill holes in wood on a Wednesday night if it brings a smile to his face.
http://englishmum.com English Mum

You can ride on my chopper anytime love.
http://www.britsinbosnia.blogspot.com Brit in Bosnia

One of the things I enjoy about living where we do is that I’m removed from competitive parenting. First up, I don’t understand the language well enough or the cultural signals to get if anyone here is competitive parenting with me. Secondly, and probably more accurately, a different culture places more emphasis upon letting children play independently than play in a more structured way.
A recent trip back home left me feeling a little battered by all the activities my boys have not been doing whilst others their age have. But we don’t really care. Extra french? Pah! Ours speak toddler Bosnian. Who cares that it isn’t exactly a useful language?
Great post, highlighting an important issue. It is not as if the kids need to write the age at which they were potty trained on their cv!
http://havealovelytime.com Linda

Hi Ian, my daughters have just had practice SATs and have got what anyone would consider encouraging results but they have varied slightly, Melissa told me she was worried she wouldn’t do ‘as well’ in the future, so I said to her ‘what do you think I’ll say if that happens?’ and quick as a flash she said: ‘it’s not the end of the world’ and then I said: ‘and what do you think I’ll do about it? and she said:”give me a cuddle and tell me you love me.’ I’m soppy at the best of times but that nearly brought a tear to my eye!
But anyway I think I should also admit that this is my attitude now – I think (fear) when secondary school comes along, I may change my tune a bit – I want them to do “well” enough at the end of the day to make choices.
BiB – that’s fascinating – I’d love to speak a bit of Bosnian (have studied and worked in Russia – useless information for you…) thanks for kind words – love the thought of someone writing on their CV in big letters at the top: Could poo in potty at 18 months you know!!
http://www.itsasmallworldafterallfamily.wordpress.com Victoria

I agree wholeheartedly with this article. We live in central London, and some of the children we know have so much scheduled time, they basically never play, unless it’s an organised ‘playdate’. I’ve deliberately held my children back from all this, but they seem to be happy, and also, people comment on their incredible imaginations. I’m sure this is because I leave them to get on with it so they have to make up their own games. I feel sure this will be a skill far more useful in later life than ballet (particularly with their genes!)
It’s also the major reason that we’ve decided to take our children out of school for 9 months to go on a RTW trip. We want to make the most of the time when they’re little and learn to live without all the ‘stuff’ we take for granted at home. Or a maybe it’s just a very extreme form of pushiness
http://www.havealovelytime.com Linda

Hi Victoria – I think your trip and your blog look absolutely amazing and an inspiration to many, I’ll definitely be keeping up with your progress and look forward to following you on the adventure of a lifetime.